


change of pace

by nolightss



Series: i need to know-- [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Genderswap, Panic Attacks, emotionally charged haircuts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 15:40:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17368682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nolightss/pseuds/nolightss
Summary: the clippers hum in your hand. it makes your whole body buzz, rattling your joints and prodding your skull. you shake your head to clear it. it doesn't work.





	change of pace

**Author's Note:**

> set sometime during blurryface/ERS touring.  
> i've had a bit of a fascination with the concept of tøp existing as a band in a universe where tyler and josh are both girls. mostly with the surrounding pressures put on women who a.) exist in the public sphere and b.) deal with mental illness in the public sphere. this is sort of a vent fic.

the world is spinning.   
  
your hair looks like a mess of feathers in the sink, long locks curling around the drain. you taste bile in your throat.   
  
the clippers hum in your hand. it makes your whole body buzz, rattling your joints and prodding your skull. you shake your head to clear it. it doesn't work.   
  
you chance a look in the mirror. someone else stares back at you, cheeks hollow and eyes sunken. the blueish light of the bus bathroom does nothing to help this. you turn your head, side to side, up and down, eyes locked on your reflection. you shake your head again. rub your scalp. it's bristly, uneven. you shake your head again. you sh--   
  
there's a knock at the door. you freeze, and some kind of noise leaves your throat, choked and strange. the door opens and you keep staring at your reflection.    
  
josh's head enters the mirror frame, her head the only thing fitting through the door in the cramped bathroom.   
  
"tyler?"   
  
that noise crawls out from your throat again as you turn around, body buzzing with frenetic energy. the clippers still hum in your hand. a piece of hair falls from your shirt.   
  
josh is watching you with a worried look pressed into her features, the crease between her brows a yawning crevice. you hate that you're the one that put it there.    
  
you shake your head again.   
  
"hey, hey, ty," josh starts again, and pauses, attempting to work the door open enough that she can get into the space. you let yourself be moved as she wedges herself in, and the door shuts with a resounding click.    
  
you're backed up against the toilet now, with josh close. your toes touch hers. she's wearing yellow sneakers. she takes the clippers now, turning them off, and the world comes back into cold, fluorescent focus. her expression is patient and open, and you can't help but feel like you've ruined something.    
  
"i'm sorry," you tell her. your voice breaks and you don't know why, but your breaths are coming short, fingers shaking with nothing to hold onto. "i'm sorry, josh."    
  
josh leans in, holds your hands close to her chest. "what for?"   
  
"just--" you shrug awkwardly, frantically. you shake your head. "--everything." the world blurs and your throat feels thick and heavy. she pulls you close, then, letting go of your hands. her palm cups the back of your head, warm and weighty and you press your hands to her chest, desperate to feel her heart. she smells like laundry detergent and sweat.    
  
"breathe, babygirl." you feel her voice through your palms.   
  
you feel her breathe deep, almost exaggerated and you try to follow, hiccups escaping your mouth, shoulders rocking. she pets your head, and keeps breathing.   
  
you don't know how long it takes, but slowly the world comes back into focus. the gentle rattle of the bus, the aimless chatter from outside the bathroom door. josh's breaths soft and warm in your ear. you pull back a little, and she lets you, but not before pressing a lingering kiss to your cheek.    
  
"felt like a change?" she asks. it's not judgemental, and you nearly sigh with relief.   
  
"needed to be in control," you tell her. it's quiet, barely more than a mumble. you rub the top of your head. "or something." it feels like a confession.   
  
josh nods, and leans in, aiming for your cheek again. you turn, and catch her lips, soft, warm. homey.   
  
"if it's anything, i think it looks really good," she says when you pull apart, and it's dripping with honesty, with the heavy kindness she carries with her always. you duck your head, feeling yourself warm under the praise.   
  
"it’s a good thing your opinion is the only one that matters anyways." 

she laughs, and you lean against her again, letting your cheek fall to her shoulder. her hand comes to rest on the back of your head, the other around your waist. the bus rocks, voices titter outside the door, and tyler breathes.   
  


**Author's Note:**

> shoutout to lucy for the title, and em for the inspiration and for generally vibing with me on this whole "lesbian joshler" thing.  
> thanks for rolling with my britney vibes.
> 
> come say hi @notdonenotdun on tumblr


End file.
